All You Need to Know About Solo Poly

What is solo-polyamory? How does it differ? What does ethical non-monogamy look like when you don’t have a primary partner?

All You Need to Know About Solo Poly

All You Need to Know About Solo Poly

All You Need to Know About Solo Poly

Updated
July 24, 2019
Medically Reviewed by
3 minute read

There are so many relationship structures outside traditional monogamy. But while you may have heard of polyamory, you may not know much about solo polyamory.  

In this stream, sex educator Q Wilson explains the ins-and-outs of solo polyamory and why it works for some people, and how you can find interested sex positive folks. 

Q first explains that a sex positive person values and respects a person’s right to “have whatever kinda sex they want, with whomever they want to have it, however they want to have that [...] without fear or apology.” Sex positive people are open to relationship structures outside of conventional mongamy, like polyamory. 

So, what is polyamory anyway? It’s when you have romantic relationships with more than one partner. This can exist in many different constellations as some have a hierarchy of partners, with one being the “primary.” Others have “relationship anarchy,” with no primary partner. All these structures exist “within the framework of being kind, thoughtful, conscious, communicative, and honest,” says Q. 

Solo polyamory is when you’re poly without a primary partner and independently date people who are also poly or have other partners. Those who are solo poly often value their autonomy, and can feel like they are “dating themselves.” Dating yourself, as Q says, can be an opportunity to really investigate what you want without the pressures of society telling you what you should want. 

To find people looking for an untraditional or non-monogamous relationship structure, Q suggests seeking communities on Facebook or MeetUp. You can also indicate on a dating profile you are poly or seeking people who are poly

When dating as a solo poly person, communication and honestly is paramount. Q says they front load their potential partner with information about the type of relationship they’re looking for, what kind of pleasure they’re seeking, what their romantic limitations might be, what their defined boundaries are, who else they are dating, how many times they get tested a year, etc. 

Defining boundaries is equally important for a person who doesn’t want a poly relationship. Don’t let a partner make you feel unevolved or small for not being into non-monogamy if it’s not for you. Similarly, it’s not a good idea to turn to polyamory as a way to fix things within a relationship that’s experiencing issues. Perhaps instead you should reevaluate that relationship. 

Solo polyamorous relationships aren’t for everyone, but if you think it’s right for you, it can be a great opportunity to explore yourself and your needs, while inviting other people to share in that experience. Just remember to always stay open and communicative throughout your relationships so everyone can feel safe and on the same page throughout.

Q Wilson

Reviewed for Medical Accuracy

Queer, gender-nonconforming and non-monogamous, Q is a certified sex educator and trainer, and social justice activist of 20 years. At O.school, Q streams on a wealth of topics, including building sexual confidence, consent, boundary-setting, pleasure, online dating  and communication.

Orgasm
Order Form

We want to help you get the orgasm you want.
Let's get it on
O.school keeps this information totally private and anonymous.

Good for one orgasm(s)

(OR MORE)
Get me in the mood with nipple play.

I like to be touched on my butthole at a medium pace.

Good for one orgasm(s)

(OR MORE)
Get me in the mood with nipple play.

I like to be touched on my butthole at a medium pace.

Join our newsletter

Get sex and relationship advice, videos, and more sent right
to your inbox on the regular