In our society, threesomes can come with a lot of cultural baggage and some limiting stereotypes: that they’re sleazy, happen once in a lifetime, or that someone always ends up getting hurt, to name but a few. And while, yes, some people have had some not-great experiences, sex with more than one person can be an exciting and pleasurable experience for everyone involved.

If you’re in a relationship and you’re interested in trying out a threesome with your partner and another person it can be tricky to know where to start. Here’s how to create the toe-curling ménage-á-trois of your dreams through consent, communication, an open mind, and with the help of dating apps!

Bringing Up A Threesome With Your Partner

If you’re in a committed, monogamous partnership and want to engage in a threesome, it’s important to start by discussing the possibility with your partner in a neutral environment—AKA, not during sex. What do you want out of the experience? What are your boundaries? Is one person more excited about this than the other? How do you each deal with jealousy? Who might you want to sleep with?

What do you want out of the experience? What are your boundaries? Is one person more excited about this than the other? How do you each deal with jealousy?

Talking about the kind of relationship you want to have, and the kind of sexual experiences you want to enjoy can be vulnerable and challenging. Be prepared for this to be more than one conversation. In the end it’s worth it to be open and honest with your partner about your desires, and be willing to accept that your partner may not share your interest in threesomes.

But who knows, maybe your partner has been wanting to bring it up! If you’re both on the same page, and both enthusiastic—even if you’re also a little nervous about trying something new—then you’re ready to start looking for someone else to make your threesome dream a reality. A person who joins a couple for a threesome is often called a “Third.”

Finding A Third Online

You’re looking for a person who you’re both interested in having sex with—and who’s equally hot for you. When there are three people to please it can take some time to find the right match, so be prepared not to find someone immediately as you navigate this with your partner. Some folks have success finding potential partners using hookup apps like Tinder while other people have a friend or acquaintance in mind.

When setting up your hook-up app profile make sure it’s clear that you are a couple looking for someone to have a threesome with. It can waste time for you and the other person if it’s not clear from your profile what you’re looking for, so clarity is your best bet. Communicating your and your partner’s interests in a respectful way and being open to feedback is a necessity when you’re looking to find a third party to play with.

When there are three people to please it can take some time to find the right match, so be prepared not to find someone immediately as you navigate this with your partner.

You may consider trying out an app designed specifically for setting up a threesome. For example Feeld is an app designed for couples and singles to find one another. Using a threesome app can cut down on the explaining you might have to do using a mainstream app, but you may also have fewer people to connect with. It’s up to you which feels like the right fit for you. Or you could set up a profile on several apps and see what works out best!

Meeting Up IRL To Test The Chemistry

Once another person expresses interest in having a three-way with you and your partner, a low-key meeting is a great way to test the waters. Pick a public place like a bar, restaurant, cafe, or club to gauge everyone’s interests, needs, and, most importantly, chemistry.

Making Threesome Plans

If you’re all in agreement that you want to explore a threesome together, it’s time to set some ground rules. What sex acts are on or off the table? Do you or your partner want to have sex with the third party as a twosome, while the other person watches? Or do you only want to engage in sex at the same time as a threesome? What kind of aftercare does each person require? When everyone has been heard and the parameters are set, you’ve got the makings of an awesome three-way.

Three-way Time!

On the day of your date, it’s normal to be nervous if you’re trying out a threesome for the first time. However, focusing on taking pleasure from your partners’ pleasure is a great way to have a satisfying experience. Just remember that you have the option to stop the threesome at any time—and don’t expect perfection. Like any kind of sex, a threesome can be thrilling and it can be meh. The recipe for success is to communicate, follow your consensual desires, relax, and enjoy!