Cum. La petit morte. The Big “O.” A home run—maybe even a grand slam! One of the most mysterious parts of sexuality, the orgasm, is known by many names. The much sought-after feeling is oftentimes thought of as the main reason for sexual intercourse. Some people even use it as a qualifier—if you don’t come, it doesn’t count as sex.

Any way you cut it, orgasm is a loaded topic, with questions and expectations swirling around it.

Common Questions About Orgasms

When trying to figure out info about the Big “O,” people often ask:

• What does an orgasm feel like?
• How do I know if I’m having one?
• Whose job is it to give the orgasm?
• Was this even sex if no one came?
• Shouldn’t a person come every time they have sex?
• If my partner doesn’t orgasm does that mean I’m not good at sex?

Sorting out all the information can seem overwhelming! Here are the facts:

Increase Your Chances Of Having An Orgasm

An orgasm doesn’t necessarily happen every time a person is sexual. Sometimes they’re not getting the specific stimulation their body needs, or maybe a medication is interfering with their ability to come. Anxiety and pressure can also interfere with the ability to orgasm—the more anxious someone is, the less likely they are to build arousal.

If you’re in your head worrying about how you look, whether your partner is having fun, or if orgasm is going to happen, you’re probably going to be too distracted to enjoy the pleasure journey. You might call this being overly “goal-oriented.” But learning how to orgasm is all about enjoying the full arousal ride.

To increase your chances of having an orgasm, consider the following:

1. Prioritize Your Pleasure

One of the biggest myths that people are taught is that during partnered sex your focus should be on your partner rather than yourself. This falsehood is a sure way to miss out on orgasm achievement. Knowing how you like to be pleasured, the parts you like touched, and how you like them touched is integral in achieving an orgasm.

If you have no idea what you like or how you like it, this is a great time to explore masturbation, also called solo sex. Set some time aside where you have privacy and explore different touches, pressures, areas, and note what feels good and what doesn’t. Keep doing what feels good.

One of the biggest myths that people are taught is that during partnered sex your focus should be on your partner, rather than yourself

2. Have Realistic Expectations About Orgasms

Many people’s first exposure to orgasms is through movies and porn. Unfortunately, the orgasms we see in some pornography, movie network television, and read about in erotic novels are not necessarily representative of real-life orgasms. Let those dramatic, over-the-top Hollywood images go.

The reality is, everyone’s orgasm looks and feels different. Some people describe their orgasm as feeling like they are exploding over an edge—their bodies reach a peak of tightness and then it is released. Others describe orgasm as a pleasurable feeling for a period of time, that then goes away. Every person’s experience of orgasm is unique.

3. Try New Things

Once you’ve decided to prioritize your sexual pleasure, try something new. Whether you are by yourself or with a partner, experiment with new positions, pressures, and fantasies. By breaking out of your normal routines, you can discover new sensations and feelings.

And don’t be afraid to try new sex toys! If you’re used to a vibrator, try out a penetrative toy, or a g/p-spot toy, to introduce your body to new arousing sensations. Finally, don’t forget during any sexual play, new or not, to use lube!

Some people describe their orgasm as feeling like they are going over an edge where their bodies reach a peak of tightness and then it is released

4. Keep Calm And Carry On

Lastly, if you try these tips and an orgasm does not happen, don’t give up. Remember, sexual play can be pleasurable even without an orgasm. And, like all things, practice makes perfect! So try, try, and try again. That’s part of the fun.

If you’re practicing solo sex, take your time, get comfy, and release any pressure on yourself. If you aren’t alone, don’t hesitate to state your preferences, use vocal and physical guidance and remember to focus on you! If everyone shares what they need to experience pleasure during sexual interactions, everyone can enjoy the interaction without the pressure of trying to guess.

Pro-tip? Take matters into your own hands… literally! Go ahead and touch your own clit even while playing with a partner!

Take matters into your own hands… literally! Go ahead and touch your own clit even while playing with a partner!

Finally, being with a person who does not orgasm with you does not mean that you are not a skilled lover. It just means that you two can have some fun exploring arousal together!

And if nothing else, remember: Don’t chase the orgasm, let it come to you!