If you're dating someone new, or you haven't discussed sexual histories, you may find yourself wondering how many people your partner has been with. But if you start wondering things like, “Is my girlfriend a slut?” it’s time to check yourself and unpack the reasons why you are asking such a negative, loaded question.

Why are you asking, “Is my girlfriend a slut?”

If you’ve ever wondered, “is my girlfriend a slut?” it’s worth first asking yourself why you care about her sexual past. You may have a few reasons for asking the question. ‍

1. Society tells me sluts are bad. ‍

Many sexually active people have had more than one sexual partner, but the number of partners has nothing to do with their worth or values. Yet, societal and religious messages might have you believe that promiscuity, especially when it comes to women, means a person is dirty or bad. 

If you believe that women who have many partners are sluts, ask yourself why. The double standard that promiscuous men are studs while women and femmes are sluts perpetuates a dangerous message that sex is only for men to enjoy. Such ideas run deep in our culture and history and have been used to control female sexuality. But anyone should be able to love sex, have many partners, and be celebrated. There’s no reason to stigmatize sex for pleasure, as sex is a totally normal, basic human experience for people of all genders.‍

2. I’m worried about my sexual health.‍

While it’s normal to be concerned about your sexual health, this concern should not be based on how many partners your girlfriend has had. Anyone can contract an STI, no matter their number of sexual partners, since it’s a normal part of sex. For that reason, it’s important to always discuss your STI status before engaging in sex and to use protection. If you and your partner don’t want to use protection, discuss getting tested, remaining exclusive, and using birth control, if needed. ‍

3. I feel insecure about my own experience compared to my girlfriend’s. ‍

If you’ve had fewer sexual partners than your girlfriend, you might be worried she’ll compare you to her previous partners. While this is a normal worry, there’s no reason to project your own insecurities onto her and wonder if she’s a “slut.” If you are asking this question, it’s time to reconsider your own attitudes about yourself, your relationship, and sex. You can work on building your sexual confidence in many ways, but calling your partner a slut is only hurting yourself in the end. 

If you are worried about your ability to please your partner, communicate about how you can grow sexually together. Learning how to be vulnerable in sexual relationships is a skill that can help bring you closer to your partner, as well as increase the pleasure and excitement for both of you. Asking up-front what they like, being real when you’re unsure of what to do, and being open to taking direction are things that a mature, respectful partner will really appreciate.‍

4. I’m worried about what others will think of her. ‍

Unfortunately, society has a long way to go when it comes to re-adjusting attitudes around sex and pleasure. While you can have compassion for reasons why people might be misinformed about sex (almost all of us have had a shame-based sex education), try not to let it affect your opinion of your partner. 

But… is my girlfriend a slut if she says she is?

For some people, reclaiming a word like “slut” that has historically been used to insult and dehumanize them can feel empowering. Even if your girlfriend proudly claims she is a slut as an act of defiance, it’s still essential to be very careful with hurtful language. Words can mean very different things in different contexts and communities. If your girlfriend finds the term “slut” empowering, endearing, or humorous, take her lead—but be very careful of using it in any context except in conversation with her, as it is still often used to damaging effect.

The bottom line

People can call themselves whatever they want—but it is never ok to label someone with a potentially hurtful term. Enjoying free sexual expression, proudly claiming one’s own sexual agency, and having had many sexual partners has long been accepted, and even admired, in men and masculine people; there is no reason why women and femmes should be punished for the same behaviors. So feel free to stop worrying “is my girlfriend a slut?” and focus on the things that make her uniquely awesome. — all while developing your own confidence and communication skills.