How to Have Lesbian or Vulva-on-Vulva Sex

Listen up, vulva owners! Just because you’ve got a vulva, doesn’t mean you automatically have to be a pro at having sex with one. You might have spent a lot of time down there getting to know yourself, but you may still be left with wonder and questions.

Let’s face it, sex education in the United States isn’t great. While an increasing number of states are implementing laws requiring schools teach LGBTQ+ history, that doesn’t mean they’re teaching about queer sex — or anything outside cisgender penis-in-vagina sex (for reproduction) for that matter. So, to learn more about the range of possibilities for pleasurable, vulva/vulva, sex, we’ve created a guide just for you!

Here are some things to keep in mind before having lesbian or vulva-on-vulva sex…

Touch base on language.

A whole lot of folks love dirty talk. It can be a great way to spice up your sexual encounters, but it’s important to discuss what kind of language you and your partner use when referring to yourselves and your body parts. Not everyone is comfortable with referring to their vulva as “pussy.” Not everyone is comfortable with referring to it as a vulva and vagina, for that matter. It‘s important to discuss language for genitals. Many trans and/or non-binary folks may feel more comfortable with alternative names for their vagina, like “front hole.” Someone may want others to refer to their chest area simply as their chest versus “breasts” or “boobs.” Discuss before assuming.

Remember the lube.

No matter what kind of sex you are having, you’re probably going to want to keep lube handy. A common myth will have you believe all folks with vulvas can “get wet” and stay wet on the drop of a dime. That’s simply not true. For one, arousal is complex. Many vulva-havers may feel emotionally aroused, but their bodies physical arousal signs are discordant. Totally normal! Second, more is always better. Sex tends to involve some level of friction, which will dry out any moisture, after a while. Not only does adding lube prevent micro-tears in the often delicate vaginal walls, it also prevents tears from happening in external and internal condoms, dental dams, gloves, etc. Apply a lot, and apply often.

Comfort, communication and collaboration are key.

Make sure you prioritize your comfort and safety. Vocalize your boundaries, and consistently check in with your partner. Remember, you or your partner can stop for any reason at any time. Sex should be a collaborative experience, requiring ongoing communication and consent, and an investment in each other’s pleasure and well-being.

Start from the top, then head downtown.

You’re making out and things are getting hot and heavy. If your partner is comfortable with their chest being touched and paid attention to, then do so! Hold them, rub them, softly squeeze them, lick them, gently pinch and kiss their nipples. Also, keep their chest in mind when you’re doing other things to your partner, like eating them out or fingering them.

For many reasons, your partner might not feel comfortable with this. Your partner may have dysphoria around their chest or if your partner has had top surgery, they may not want to have their chest touched for a number of reasons, including pain and sensitivity. Alternatively, it might give them tons of euphoria to have their chest touched. Find out first!

When it comes time to move downtown, and you’ve gotten the A-okay from your partner, first consider your safer sex options! For oral sex performed on a vulva, you can use dental dams, or cut condoms into dental dams. For finger play, wear gloves or finger cots!

Don’t get too hung up on any ideas of the “perfect” way to unlock a clitoral orgasm during oral sex. Everybody is different! Clitoral sensitivity can range from “Oh wow that was incredible and all you did was blow on it!” to “there’s no way I can cum without a powerful, rumbly vibrator.” Whatever the case, you can get started by following these general tips on how to “eat out” a vulva:

Start slowly and ease into it; you might want to pay some attention to the front of the hips and pelvis and the inner thighs. Kiss them, lick them, and gently massage them.
Locate the clitoris, and start to gently lick it. You can experiment with a variety of motions: up and down, a swirling motion, side to side, an exaggerated lick, make different shapes with your tongue, incorporate your lips into the process, or French kiss it.
While the clitoris is an important aspect of arousal and stimulation, it’s not the only spot you should be paying attention to. Give some love to the area around the clit, trace your tongue up and down the inner labia, kiss and lick the outer labia, tease all around the clitoris to rile your partner up making them wanting more.
Listen to your partner, even if they aren’t super vocal about exactly what they want you to do. Pay attention to your partners’ sounds and body language to see what’s working and what’s not. Watch out for moans of pleasure, eagerness, and touching from your partner as signs that they are enjoying themselves.
Add in fingers: With their consent, introduce your finger and gently rub their clit. If they are okay with penetration, using lube, you can begin to travel down and start to gently finger them.
Combine types of stimulation to really get them going!

Get familiar with the G-spot: How to find and stimulate it.

The g-spot is a distinct soft fleshy area usually located about 1-3 inches up the vaginal canal toward the front of the body. The best way to stimulate the g-spot using fingers is by using gentle “come hither motion.”

Remember to start out slowly and communicate. Use lube, start out with one finger, and try to find that sweet spot.

Hump and grind.

There are a few ways to incorporate humping and grinding.

You can try the scissoring position. In this position, both vulva-havers are facing each other with their legs extended. Interlock the legs, and scoot in close, until your vulvas can touch, allowing you both to hump, swivel, grind and rub. Use dental dams to place in between you for safer sex.

You can straddle your partner and rub against their pubic bone.

You can sit on a chair or bed and your partner can hump and grind on your thigh.

Incorporate sex toys to enhance the experience.

External vibrators, such as bullets, wands, and air-pressurizers, can be used for all sorts of clitoral fun. Depending on the shape and size, they can be used on one partner or the other, while giving oral sex, during scissoring, or while riding. Remember you can put condoms on your sex toys and vibrators for safer toy sex and for easier clean-up, too!

Another really great thing about body-safe sex toys, is that they can help us have incredible, penetrative sex if we want it.

Internal (g-spot) vibrators are one way to incorporate penetrative sex. These toys are usually shaped to target and apply pressure to the g-spot. They come in a variety of shapes and sizes, with ridges and varying vibrations and speeds.

If simulating penetrative sex is your thing, consider a strap-on sex toy. You don’t have to break the bank to have yourself some dildo/strap-on fun. You just need to know what you’re looking for. A few things to keep in mind:

1. Find a comfortable harness that can accommodate a variety of dildo sizes (either an elastic ring or inter-changeable o-rings).

2. Don’t let your eyes be bigger than your vaginal canal! Think about how many fingers are comfortable for you and/or your partner, and use a dildo that is similarly sized.

3. Wear a vibrator beneath the strap on for extra pleasure for the strap-on wearer, or try a “strapless strap-on” which can be worn in the vulva as a g-spot toy that extends into a penetrative dildo.

4. Consider gender-affirming “pack n’ play” silicone dildos. These use a bendable core that allows you to wear the dildo both bent down and packed into underwear, or jockstraps/harness and worn under clothes. It can then be taken out and posed for penetrative sex.

5. Remember to use water-based lube. It’s the most versatile and can be used with both silicone products and condoms/latex if you are using them.

Make sex about pleasure, not orgasm.

You don’t go to a movie just to watch the ending, so slow it down and rather than focusing on the orgasm, focus on the pleasure along the way. Putting too much pressure on the “endgame” can distract from the experience of pleasure and prevent you from being fully present during a sexual encounter. Sex doesn’t even necessarily have to end in orgasm to be great sex. Take the pressure off yourself and your partner and focus on enjoying yourself, and making sure your partner is having a wonderful time as well!

Do as much or as little as you’re comfortable with. Ultimately the experience will be what you and your partner(s) make of it, and hopefully now, you’ll feel a bit more prepared!