Massaging or stroking a pussy with your hands can be sensual and sexy, but how do you know if you’re “doing it right”? A stellar pussy massage involves exploring what feels good and embracing intimacy — whether or not the massage ends in orgasm. If you want to learn to better massage your partner, or yourself, try these pussy massaging tips and techniques.

1. Communicate 

Before massaging a partner, establish consent and communicate personal boundaries. You might ask your partner about their turn ons, turn offs, and what activities they don’t feel comfortable engaging in. Both parties should be enthusiastically on board with the experience. To ensure ongoing pleasure, check-in throughout the process to make sure you’re applying the right amount of pressure, touching where it feels good, and that they're comfortable with what you’ll do next. For example, your partner may have preferences about whether you touch the clitoris or not, where sensations tend to be much stronger. Listen to what your partner wants and clearly communicate what you’re comfortable doing, too. It’s important to remember that consent can be withdrawn at any point during sex.

2. Get in the massaging mood

Whether you’re massaging before or after sex or as a stand-alone activity, it’s important to feel comfortable and present. ​​It may be useful to use deep breathing techniques to ease any nerves. Try inhaling in through your nose for six seconds and then slowly exhaling for six seconds. Repeating this technique, or any other relaxation practice, might help to clear your mind and approach the experience with positivity. 

3. Set the scene

Environment can help heighten the senses and set the tone for a sensual experience. Create a space that feels relaxing ; dim or turn off the lights and lay somewhere comfortable. Candles or dim lighting can help you set the scene and may even come in handy during your massage. For example, the melted wax from Ignite Me’s massage candles doubles as a warm massage oil.

4. Engage the elements

Some lubes contain cooling or heating ingredients that activate with friction. If you or your partner is interested in temperature-based play, try a small amount of Sliquid Sizzle Stimulating Lubricant, which cools on contact and warms when massaged, or try the Kama Sutra Pleasure Balm on the vulva (this balm is for external use only though) for a cooling, tingling sensation. (Bonus: It’s strawberry-flavored.)

5. Ease into it and build anticipation

To elevate sexual tension, specifically with a partner, find ways to build anticipation. Christine Lozano, LMFT, a certified sex addiction therapist, told Bustle that, "Sexual teasing increases attraction for many due to the notion: love seeks closeness, desire seeks distance.” She says that it echoes the idea of “wanting what you can’t have.” To tease your partner, stimulate other parts of the body as you make your way down to the pussy. You might lightly graze your partner’s lips, kiss their neck, or lengthen the time their underwear stays on. 

6. Grab some lube

Adding lubrication, like a lube or a massage oil, can heighten sensation and reduce uncomfortable friction. In fact, studies have shown that lubricants are associated with significantly greater sexual pleasure and satisfaction. To make your massage slicker and sexier, apply a few drops of a water-based lube like Sliquid Satin or Please Liquid Lubricant to your fingers first. Massage oils like Sensuous Beauty Love Balm create the same lubricating effect with the added pleasure of soothing scents like lavender and tangerine.

7. Explore the full pussy — slowly

Starting slowly and with a gentle touch, use one or two fingers to move over the vulva and outer labia, stroking in small circles at first. While it can be tempting to go straight for the clit, take your time exploring these less frequently touched areas instead. Be consistent about your speed and pressure, and if you’re massaging a partner, take cues from their body language.

8. Mix up your pussy stroking movements

Once you’ve established a rhythm, you can get a little more creative. Try rubbing the labia in long strokes with two fingers, lightly tapping your fingers, or using three or four fingers to massage a larger area. Apply more pressure as you move over the labia and toward the clitoris, and continue for as long as it’s enjoyable. 

9. Try a sex toy

Bringing a sex toy like a vibrator into the mix can create stronger sensations your fingers can’t do alone. Use a low-intensity external vibrator like the Pleasurette Mini over you or your partner’s vulva, labia, and inner thighs or bikini line. You can also try a toy that’s meant to attach to your finger, like the FingO Tips Micro Fingertip Vibrator, for a double-whammy of vibration and stimulating ribbed edges.

Bringing a sex toy like a vibrator into the mix can create stronger sensations your fingers can’t do alone. 

The bottom line 

A pussy massage can bring you closer to yourself and/or your partner. Keep an open mind and go slow to have a sensual and sexy experience. If you want to explore more pussy play, learn the best positions for pussy eating.