I wouldn’t describe myself as a pessimist when it comes to love, I’ve just seen it not work out one too many times. I’ve witnessed many friends’ bad boyfriends, coworkers’ unhappy marriages, and my parents’ dysfunctional relationship. Things don’t work out, things fall apart — I get it. And my friend telling me that she hadn’t had sex with her husband in six months didn’t have me running for the altar. I like my freedom — personal, sexual, emotional — and I had no intention of giving that up for anyone. I was jaded. A confirmed bachelorette, all I wanted to do was waft from person to person, refusing to commit to anyone or anything. 

I’ve been in two relationships, and my last one could be described as “toxic,” at best. He was jealous, manipulative, angry, and knew exactly how to push all of my buttons. I loved him more than I’ve ever loved anyone in my life. I learned a lot about what love is and isn’t during our time together. Specifically that I don’t care about finding it again. 

At the beginning of our relationship, he suggested that we have a threesome, and I was absolutely onboard. I loved the idea and thought we could have so much fun. Plus, I was coming to terms with my own queerness, wanted to explore more, but was clearly in a monogamous relationship with a man. However, the more I thought about it, the more the fantasy fell apart. Not because I didn’t want to see him have sex with another person — really, that was the least of my problems. I had trouble getting him to spend time with me, and the thought that he was consumed with finding and spoiling this imaginary woman drove me insane. He couldn’t stop talking about having a threesome, and yet, here I was, right in front of him. Why couldn’t he give me that same time and attention? I told him I didn’t want to have a threesome anymore. He would still bitterly bring it up on occasion, but for the most part, we dropped the issue. 

After we broke up, I felt so free. Free from his anger and his jealousy. I could do anything I wanted to! So, I decided to have a threesome. This time, I would be in control. I would be the unicorn. I wouldn’t need to get involved in other people’s drama! 

I started browsing on several apps, and eventually met a couple who had been dating for about a year and a half. They had been swinging and threesome-ing for almost their entire relationship. We talked for about two weeks before we all went on a date. I was relieved by how easy it was. It felt like I was just hanging out with new friends. Albeit, new friends that I wanted to do. I met them at his place the next day, and we had sex. It was an amazing first experience. We all went out for pizza afterwards, and they explained their situation to me. 

“We just like sharing each other,” she said.

“There’s no jealousy, there’s no keeping score,”

“We can tell when a couple is in it for the wrong reasons, like when they say they want to ‘spice things up,’ that’s always a bad sign,”

“Yeah, that’s no good. We don’t do this because we’re tired of one another. I love being with her. I love watching her be with someone else.”

It made total sense to me. Monogamy had always made me feel stifled, trapped, suffocated. But I didn’t know that there was another way. I had always heard that threesomes caused breakups. Men want non-monogamy so they can just be with whoever they want, and women just go along with it. Open relationships never work. These were the rumors I heard, and the beliefs I had internalized but this couple looked so happy. I struggled to reconcile the two ideas. 

I hooked up with several (read: many) more couples (some married, some just dating), and through my research, I found a couple of things. Non-monogamy can work as long as a few things are present: trust, communication, openness, and empathy. I would say, in monogamous relationships, it’s easier to skate by without practicing these skills on the reg. However, if you are practicing non-monogamy, and you do not actively work on these things, your relationship will likely fall apart. Non-monogamy is not an excuse to just have sex with whoever you want without repercussions. It is a lifestyle that allows both (or more) members of the relationship to live without fear that they are going to break their partner’s heart because they didn’t stop being attracted to other people the moment they entered into a relationship. It allows people to explore things with other people that they might not be able to with their partners. 

I hooked up with a couple that was passing through town on their way to Arizona. They were high school sweethearts and had been married for several years. They had sex with other people separately and together. During the threesome, sometimes all of his attention was on me, and, for a brief second, I worried that his wife would somehow feel jealous or left out, but then I looked over, and she was masturbating while watching us, and she came. It was beautiful! ‍

I’m not here to say that non-monogamous couples don’t have issues and problems just like the rest of us. They break up and get divorced like monogamous couples. All I know, is that it gives me hope. Hope that one day I’ll meet my Prince or Princess Charming who will sweep me off my feet, and ask me if I take their hand in ethically non-monogamous marriage and to that I say, “…maybe, we’ll see.”