Before we start talking about ways that you can considerately ask your partner to give you oral sex, let’s talk about the ways we don’t go about asking for that.

Mindset matters a lot here. If your mentality is “I need to convince them to give me this” or “They have to give me this”, then your mindset is basically saying “my partner’s boundaries don’t matter, and I deserve this no matter what.” 

And yes, you do deserve to experience pleasure, but never at the expense of someone else’s comfort or boundaries. Don’t force or pressure your partners into anything. Ever. That’s not okay. 

Now that we have that covered, you might be wondering: But what if my partner doesn’t want to give me oral or participate in it? 

Well, you have to accept “No” as an answer.

Receiving a “no” when we ask for something in bed can make us feel self-conscious, embarrassed, and even rejected. But those feelings aren’t reasons to lash out, give someone the silent treatment, or pressure them into saying “yes” instead. 

When your partner gives you a “no,” accept it for what it is. 

Throwing a fit or begging for something isn’t a good look and can ultimately make your partner feel bad for affirming their boundaries. If oral sex just isn’t an option, talk about other things that you can to do feel desired by and close to each other. ‍

If the issue isn’t a lack of interest, but rather that oral has just become a less popular event in your life, here’s how you can approach the subject.‍

Oral sex is a pleasurable experience for many people. More than 80% of all people have given or received oral sex at some point in their lifetime, but it’s also true that as we age, we’re less likely to participate in oral sex. 

Whether oral sex has never been a part of your relationship or it’s something that has slowly faded away, here are some key things to do to incorporate it into your sex life. 

Start with empathy

When you’re getting ready to bring up something you want in the bedroom, be sure to keep the conversation specific to you and your partner. Don’t say “So-and-so’s wife does this for him. Why won’t you do that for me?” 

Framing your conversation like “Why don’t you do this for me?”, “My last partner did this for me and it was great,” can make the other person feel defensive, which doesn’t set you up for an effective discussion where your partner will feel comfortable or safe. 

Instead, try framing your conversation as “I really enjoy when you give me head. Is there a reason why that’s not on the table more often?” Or even, “I’ve been thinking more about how much I enjoy oral sex. Is that something you enjoy, too?” ‍

Frame your questions around your own feelings and avoid being accusatory, judgmental, or comparing your relationship to another. This way, you’ll be more likely to have a productive conversation with your partner. 

Talk to your partner about their desires and boundaries

You may be married or in a long-term partnership, but even so, you might not know what your partner’s turn-ons and turn-offs are. Or, maybe you talked about it a while ago, but haven’t been regularly checking in. After all, our desires and boundaries can shift with one phase of life to another. Sometimes they can even change within a day. ‍

Any time you’re experiencing a difference in desires and boundaries in a relationship, it’s important to talk about what’s at the root of those things. Many people feel averse to giving (or receiving) oral sex because they worry about cleanliness, taste, smell, or body hair. Other people may feel self-conscious about their genitals. Some may feel worried about their skill, and others might feel physically uncomfortable (if they have chronic dry mouth, for example). 

But you’ll never know what those reasons are if you don’t talk about it. So, set aside some time to talk about your sex life more broadly. What are things you’re really enjoying? What would you like more of? Is there anything that you both would like to try? 

If the thought of having this conversation completely overwhelms you, that’s okay – you can turn to a sex and relationships therapist to help you navigate these vulnerable topics. 

And if it turns out that the issue is physical comfort, then consider how you can work together to alleviate that. Unwanted pain and discomfort during sex isn’t fun, and if our partners are anticipating discomfort, it can be a turn-off. Explore changing positions, adding in some flavored lube, or even incorporating a toy. Seemingly small shifts can be a big difference when it comes to comfort. 

Be reciprocal 

When it comes to oral sex, enthusiasm is essential. When you offer to give your partner oral sex, what messages are you unintentionally sending them? 

Many people experience genital shame or self-consciousness. So, if our partners seem unenthusiastic about going down on us, it can reinforce that shame. When you offer to go down on your partner, make sure that your enthusiasm and excitement comes through (without putting pressure on them, of course). 

Saying things like “I love how you taste. Can I go down on you?” or “I’d like to spend some time tonight just pleasuring you. Would you be interested in me going on down you?” are two ways to ask permission while also showing enthusiasm. That enthusiasm can help you and your partner feel more comfortable and confident trying new things.

On the other hand, offering to perform oral sex on your partner as a “trade” or out of obligation sends the message that you’re only interesting in giving if you’re also going to receive. That creates pressure, which means your partner may feel like they’re obligated to respond in a certain way. Plus, your partner may feel like you aren’t being sexually gracious, or like they’re giving without really receiving something they equally enjoy in return. 

If that’s the case, figure out what’s at the root of your interest in receiving head, but not giving it. 

Your boundaries are your boundaries and you aren’t obligated to do anything you don’t want to, but it’s worth considering why you’re okay with one thing and not with the other.

If it’s because you feel — or perhaps have even communicated — that performing oral sex is unclean, that you don’t like the way your partner tastes, or because their body hair isn’t kept to your liking, know that each of those things can be negatively impacting your partner’s self-esteem and their level of desire. 

If that’s your mindset, take oral sex off the table for a bit while you figure out what’s at the root of those thoughts. You may want to turn to a trusted doctor or sex therapist to guide that exploration, but talk to your partner, too. Sexual shame and judgment only serves to inhibit pleasure, not to foster it. 

Design a compromise

What is it about receiving head that you enjoy most? Is it the sensation, the view, the feeling of power? 

If your answer is something other than the sensation alone, there are other ways to achieve those things without compromising your partners’ boundaries. You can try sitting on the edge of the bed while your partner kneels in front of you and jacks you off onto their chest, perhaps. Maybe you’ll use a toy on your partner, or have them use a toy on you. You could experiment with a new position or try out a role play scenario.

The sex acts we desire most aren’t always about the actual sensations of that sex act, so if you have other reasons for desiring head, consider how those urges could be satisfied in ways you maybe haven’t explored yet.  

Our sexual desires and fantasies don’t always align with our partners – and that’s okay. Have open conversations about what parts of your sexuality are important to you and why. Explore new things together and let your sexual imaginations flourish. 

Still, experiencing mismatches in desire can be frustrating and can put stress on a relationship. If that’s the case for you and your partners, try reaching out to a sex and relationships therapist to help you navigate this territory. Getting help doesn’t mean your partnership is broken — it means you’re willing to put in the work to make it stronger.