How To Have Phone Sex Without Feeling Weird About It

Phone sex can be a bit awkward at first. But with a little practice, you’ll be a pro in a no time.

How To Have Phone Sex Without Feeling Weird About It

How To Have Phone Sex Without Feeling Weird About It

How To Have Phone Sex Without Feeling Weird About It

5 minute read

If you’ve never tried phone sex or are new to it, talking dirty over mobile can feel a little awkward at first. But, with a little practice, confidence and imagination, phone sex can end up being super hot. It’s especially great if you’re social-distancing from your partner due to coronavirus, are in a long-distance relationship, want to have some fun with a partner in the next room, or are DM’ing someone on a dating app and want to take things to the next level. 

Here are 11 tips on how to have phone sex confidently so you can have a great time without feeling awkward AF. 

1. Communicate what you want out of the experience. Consent is key in any sexual experience, and it’s important to check in with a partner before, during, and after phone sex. Make sure they are into the idea, and then discuss boundaries, do’s, and don’ts, and what you both would like out of phone sex. Perhaps you’d like to keep things relatively mild and get flirty and share your thoughts on what you would do with the other person if you were physically together. Or, maybe you want to get hot and heavy with both parties pleasuring themselves while connected via mobile. 

2. Know that confidence is key. Feeling awkward at first is natural, especially if this is a new activity for you. It’s totally normal to have to ease into the experience, because, like anything, phone sex takes practice. But the whole “it’s only awkward if you make it awkward” rule applies. As long as you sound like you’re confident in what you’re saying and are enjoying yourself, chances are your partner will feel comfortable and confident with the experience as well. 

3. Get comfortable with the idea of erotic talk. “There are basically two significant elements to erotic talk … what you say and how you say it,” Carol Queen, PhD, author of Exhibitionism for the Shy and resident sexologist for Good Vibrations, tells O.school.

“Figure out what kind of sex talk is erotic to you, and comfortable to you,” Dr. Queen continues, prompting us to think about what your “chosen euphemisms for genitals” are, and/or what you want to call you and your partner’s bits — and get your partner’s opinions on this idea, as well.

“You *can* use the scientific terms — clitoris, penis, anus, vulva, vagina, etc. — but phone sex invites you to get friskier,” Dr. Queen tells us. “So if cock and pussy and all that don't float your boat (or meet you where you are re: your gender identity!), just choose words to use that you know you can comfortably say, and share those with your partner.”

4. Start with sexting. If the idea of being on the phone still feels a bit cringey to you, can start by sending a sext as a first confidence-boosting step. You can start simply by asking if your partner is alone, or tell them that you’re thinking of them in a dirty way. San Francisco-based sex therapist Diana Urman, PhD, tells Health.com that it helps if you send a sext that turns you on rather than sending something you think your partner would want to hear. 

Also, a sext doesn’t have to be a naughty picture. If you’re uncomfortable with sending nudes, then a simple text will do the job just as well.

5. Practice your “soft voice”. It’s not like you have to take on another persona for phone sex (that is, unless, you want to do a bit of role playing). But act like you’re pillow talking with your partner. Talk slower than usual, adding breaths in between your thoughts. Simply speaking in a softer whisper can do some of the work of making something sound sexy outwardly, even if you’re still feeling awkward inwardly. 

6. Turn yourself on. To get into the right headspace to turn someone else on, it really helps if you, yourself, feel sexy. This might mean changing into *that* lingerie set, or stripping completely naked. You might want to check yourself out in the mirror for a while, or start touching yourself as you ease into the phone conversation. The excitement will loosen you up and help quell your anxiety.

7. Start building a fantasy. Once you’ve figured out the language you want to use, Dr. Queen suggests thinking about how you can put these words to work. Begin to build a fantasy in your mind. If you’re feeling weird about making something up, start with a sexy story based on reality.

“Describe a sexual memory you have with your partner,” Dr. Queen proposes. “Be as specific as you can about the actual sex involved and what went on.” Or, get creative and “narrate a sexual fantasy of yours,” she continues, or a situation from a porn, erotic story, movie, television show, etc.

“Inspiration is literally all over the place, so just see what seems erotic out there in the world, on tv, online, etc., and what would make a vignette you could share,” Dr. Queen tells O.school.

8. Get descriptive about everything. If your partner asks what you’re wearing, tell them every detail. It has black see-through lace. It’s pink silk. I’m not wearing anything but the bedsheet. 

And if they ask how you’re feeling, or what you’re doing, tell them everything. My skin feels tingly. I’m currently touching myself [here] with these two fingers. I’m in that chair in the corner of my bedroom, etc.

9. Remember that this isn’t a normal phone conversation, so don’t dwell. Try not to think too much about what you’re saying, or else you risk pulling yourself out of the erotic experience and clamming up. Say what comes to your head, how you’re feeling, what you want to do next, and keep the conversation in the moment. 

If you end up saying something silly, laugh it off and move on. It’s less about catching up with your partner verbally, and more about helping each other get off physically.

10. Play with a toy. “Explain the details of what you are using and how you are using them to your partner,” Adina Mahalli, certified relationship expert at Maple Holistics, tells Cosmopolitan. “Toys can increase the likelihood of orgasming and allow for more areas to be pleasured while on the phone,” and it can be really sexy if your partner can hear the toy buzzing on the other end.

11. Let your imagination take over. You and your partner can basically play a game of “pretend” over the phone. Pretend I’m taking your underwear off right now. Imagine I’m running my fingers up your arm. Give into the game. And when you’re feeling more experienced with phone sex, you can even introduce role playing where you and your partner are completely different people when on the phone — use different names, voices, and scenarios.

Phone sex can be a new exciting venture for you and your partner to partake in. And if, for whatever reason, you two just can’t seem to get into it, then don’t fret! Phone sex may not be for everyone. But, with sexual pleasure and connectivity as potential prizes, it’s definitely worth a try.

Olivia Harvey

Reviewed for Medical Accuracy

Olivia Harvey is a freelance writer and award-winning screenwriter from Boston, Massachusetts.

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